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From the Desk of Rita Skeeter
Rita,
We're getting reports of sentient scarves - care to look into it for your style column?
Barney
*Quick Quotes Quill transcription on the back*
Sentient scarves in a style column? Have you lost your mind? I covered scarves not two weeks ago, if you remember, and I distinctly told my readers that they were so last year. Put it in the oddities page if you want it published, and - oh, fuck it, I'll just tell the old bat to his face. Sentient scarves in a style column. He's losing it.
By Rita Skeeter
The recently reappeared daughter of one of the richer members of Wizarding society was seen on the premises of several bars and clubs yesterday evening, and appeared quite interested in another young lady of a slightly lower social strata. Said young ladies were witnessed leaving the 518 Jump at a most ridiculous hour, appearing quite inebriated and romantically involved.
A garden party in Exeter over the weekend ended in tears when one of the guests mistook a songbird for an acromantula and started firing off curses. The punch of the young man in question was later found to be spiked, bringing the daughter of the hostess under suspicion of dark deeds.
An eligible young bachelor of very high social status is rumored to have requested the hand of a young lady of recent Muggle heritage, shocking his parents and resulting in a duel on the front lawn of the estate. While this reporter can not speak to further instances, it appears the son came out the victor in the first round of fighting.
A young lady of negligible background was seen leaving the offices of a high-ranking Ministry official. Said young lady was in a disheveled state of dress, and said Ministry official is married with his youngest child about to start Hogwarts.
One of the former candidates for Minister of Magic was seen in a restaurant with a former schoolmate, remarking on the lack of appropriate organic matter at the local grocers.
By Rita Skeeter
It appears, oh devoted readers, that a certain wealthy family of the layer below Wizarding Society's upper echelon has welcomed a daughter back into the fold. None other than Pansy Parkinson, sworn to be dead after the second war against He-Who-Was-Not-Named, has reappeared in our midst. The young Miss Parkinson made herself first known to her family only a few weeks ago and, having lost both their children, the elder Parkinsons were of course thrilled at her reappearance.
One wonders, however, just what the errant Miss Parkinson has told her parents of her time away. This humble reporter was in attendance at the lavish party thrown for the young lady just this past weekend, and the gossip swirling around was simply delicious! You heard it here first, dear readers, (unless, of course, you were at said bash), that Miss Parkinson ran away with a Death Eater after the war and lived in flagrante delicto, first in Russia and then in Italy! It does make one ponder, loyal readers, whether Miss Parkinson would have returned to England at all had her dark lover not landed in Azkaban. There are even rumors that certain delicacies were not attended to, and that this forbidden union bore fruit, though of course the Prophet would not deign to speculate upon matters so base.
The story runs front and center on the Prophet's society page
Minister Scrimgeor's First Scandal Looms
By Rita Skeeter
Official results won't be in until Monday, but early ballot reports and interviews of voters leaving the polls have left us at the Prophet in the happy position of announcing the results! Witches and Wizards of Britain, your next Minister of Magic will be Rufus Scrimgeor. This, in spite of a polling day bombshell that, had it come a mere twenty-four hours earlier, would certainly have sunk his candidacy. The Hogwarts Board of Directors, which, as you know, dear readers, is led by our newly elected Minister, has sacked Headmaster Severus Snape, a decorated war hero. This has prompted waves of resignations from the faculty, which has only been accelerated by the Board's appointment of Dolores Umbridge as Headmistress! As it stands today, loyal readers, our brightest minds will arrive in just five days to a castle devoid of instructors!
"It's utterly ridiculous," said Celeste Sinatra, who was campaigning outside the Diagon Alley polling center. "That horrid woman nearly destroyed the school and our best hope of winning the First War when she was last in charge. I'm amazed she escaped Azkaban, and astounded that Scrimgeor thinks she's capable of running anything more complex than a cleaning spell."
Our new Minister has a good deal to explain, and we here at the Prophet intend to ensure that he does so. Hogwarts is the pride of Wizarding Britain, and we'll not stand to see it dismantled!
"I'm not saying it couldn't use a few changes," said Fred Burkes, who changed his plans to vote for Scrimgeor after hearing of the sorry affair on the way to the polls. "But sacking the headmaster a week before terms starts? Only an idiot would do that, and I don't want an idiot running the country!" Such sentiments appear to have fueled an eleventh hour surge for Weasley, and preliminary results indicate he received 49% of the vote. Unfortunately, however, our sources inside the election commission tell us that with 90% of the vote tallied, there are not votes remaining for Weasley to surpass Scrimgeor.
The election of our own Harry Potter to the Wizarding Parliament seat was happily unmarred by such scandal, and, as predicted, preliminary results show our Hero with over 75% of the vote. Congratulations, Harry! We here at the Prophet are sure you will do a sterling job, and we hope to see you running for Minister in the next election!
For additional election results and news, please turn to page four.
By Rita Skeeter
The wizarding world goes to the polls tomorrow, but in the most important races, the outcome is all but certain. Rufus Scrimgeor's recent purchase of stationary emblazoned with his presumed new job does not appear to have been a waste of money. While the Prophet questions whether our new Minister will get us in to trouble with his apparent tendency to jump ahead of the public voice, Scrimgeor is undoubtedly the more qualified candidate, a view which has been echoed in conversations with averages witches and wizards on the street.
"I can't say I much like him, but he's better than that other chap," said Marilda Jensson, who was out doing her shopping in Diagon Alley on Tuesday. "Weasley's been out of the country for so long, I wonder that they even let him run."
The other race which will be watched with interest, of course, is between our own Harry Potter and Nicodemus Potts for the wizarding position in Muggle Parliament. We here at the Prophet cannot fathom why either man would want the job, but we have watched with great interest as the contest has turned dirty in recent days. The slander and outright lies spread by Mr. Potts against our own Harry have been nothing short of disgraceful. Rest assured, dear readers, that if Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Snape were engaging in relations of any sort with magical beasts, you would read about it first in the pages of the Prophet! Shame on Mr. Potts for even suggesting our Harry would do such a thing! We here at the Prophet would like to suggest what Mr. Potter may do with Mr. Potts after the latter is soundly beaten tomorrow, but we shall refrain to preserve the family nature of this publication.
While these two races appear decided, much uncertainty remains about several local contests. In particular, the open council position in Berkshire, in which the incumbent populist ghost will run against a local landowner, promises to be entertaining. Turn to page twelve for a rundown of all the local council races.
By Rita Skeeter
In a surprising turn of events, the sentencing of former Auror Ron Weasley, accused of multiple counts of kidnapping and murder, was not, as expected, a sentence in Azkaban. Weasley, whose extensive list of crimes include kidnapping war hero Marcellus Dolohov-Snape and wizarding scion Draco Malfoy, was deemed not guilty by reason of insanity and committed to St. Mungo's until the medical staff determines he is no longer a threat to wizarding security. Until such a time, Weasley is to be permitted regular visitors and even access to various forms of media.
"It's utterly preposterous," declared Severus Snape, Hogwarts Headmaster and decorated war hero. "The lunatic kidnapped both my son and my husband, hied off to Russia and jeopardized our peace by murdering civilians, and he's to be released someday?" Headmaster Snape, who was one of a very small number of wizards to testify against Weasley, proceeded to stomp out of the courtroom after the sentence was announced, closely followed by his husband, Draco Malfoy.
Our hero Harry Potter, who, along with Sirius Black, Molly and Arthur Weasley, Victor Krum and, interestingly, Marcellus Dolohov-Snape, gave testimony in favor of Weasley's treatment and eventual release, did not follow his rumored paramours out of the courtroom.
"We're pleased with the sentence," he said in a brief statement after the court had adjourned. "Ron is obviously very ill and this will allow him to heal and come to terms with what he's done in a safe and supporting environment. We look forward to the day that Ron is well enough to return to normal life."
While we here at the Prophet have no objection towards the noble goal of healing Mr. Weasley, we question the decision to eventually release him. Regardless of his frame of mind, he is still obviously capable of crimes of the most vile and alarming nature. Perhaps, once his mental state has stabilized, he ought to be sent to Azkaban to serve out the remainder of the sentence that would surely have been given had his mental state not interfered.
By Rita Skeeter
The much heralded first annual Hogwarts Reunion of 2024 was marked by a spectacular turnout and high levels of befuddlement amongst the attendees. Your faithful reporter, while mingling with the crowds, noted several examples of odd behavior. Molly Weasley, for one, was heard loudly remarking on the achievements of various grandchildren, including some that, this reporter assures you, do not exist as of yet (though given the fecundity of the family, anything is possible).
Lily Granger-Weasley, whose bosoms were strikingly displayed in Witch Weekly last week, was seen close to blows with Dean Thomas, accusing him of being Harry Potter's latest paramour. While our hero has certainly made his way through the wizarding world's list of eligible males in the years since the messy break up of his threesome with Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape, Mr. Thomas appears to still be happily married and not at all tempted by our Harry.
In addition to the striking displays put on by members of the Weasley clan, Professor Minerva McGonagall and the ever ghostly Professor Cuthbert Binns seemed to be experiencing confusion regarding the headmaster's position. This reporter saw with her own eyes a notice from Professor Binns to the rest of the Hogwarts staff ordering them down to the event and signed, inexplicably, Headmaster Binns. And Professor McGonagall was seen berating current Headmaster Severus Snape over his recent interactions with the Board of Governors. She was not, however, criticizing his conduct but informing him in no uncertain terms that he was not to usurp her position again.
Perhaps the most unexpected appearance of the afternoon was that of Blaise Zabini, who has not been seen since he disappeared into the Carthusian ice monastery ten years ago. Zabini, who was made much over by his family, spoke very little and wore a most unusual white robe. Your faithful reporter was unable to determine whether this foray into society was temporary or permanent, but given that he's lived as a monk for the past decade, ladies, it would appear that he's still single!
By Rita Skeeter
The Prophet is pleased to report that rogue Auror Ron Weasley, who escaped from involuntary confinement in St. Mungo's yesterday evening, was returned to the hospital by his parents early this morning.
"A 24-hour monitoring charm with a motion alarm has now been added to the wards on Auror Weasley's room," said Newton Uppendiker, director of St. Mungo's ward for the criminally insane. "Mr. Weasley's wand has also been confiscated and he will no longer be permitted to set his own potions dosages." When asked why Weasley was given such liberties in the first place, Healer Uppendiker snapped that "funding had been cut for the ward" and that "four assistants could only go so far towards doing the work of eight."
While The Prophet certainly sympathizes with the funding difficulties of the ward for the criminally insane, we have to wonder just how secure the Wizarding world is from the patients housed in the facility if Weasley was able to escape so easily. We can't help but feel that our loyal readers dodged a hex when Weasley chose to go to his childhood home, where his parents were waiting to return him to St. Mungo's. The hospital and the Ministry would do well to increase both the budget and the security in the ward for the criminally insane to prevent the future escapes of Weasley, or any of the other equally unpleasant characters housed within those walls.
By Rita Skeeter
Auror Ron Weasley, recently embroiled in a custody case with Draco Malfoy over his daughter, appears to have snapped entirely. The Prophet has learned from a reliable source that Weasley had a hand in the recent disappearance of Hogwarts Professor and war hero Marcellus Dolohov-Snape. Weasley's London flat, shared with Victor Krum, has remained empty for several days and the elder Weasleys appear to have vacated the Burrow in search of their son. None of those close to Weasley were willing to comment for this story.
If, indeed, Auror Weasley has snapped and held Professor Dolohov-Snape hostage for several weeks, he is undoubtedly a danger to the public safety. Rumor has it that he has drawn his wand on members of his own family, kidnapped additional upstanding Wizarding citizens and even harmed his own daughter in his maniacal moments. An official in the Aurory, who wished to remain unnamed, confirmed that Auror Weasley had not been into work for the past week and that members of the force were on the lookout for him. "We don't think he's in the country," he said, "but members of the public should consider him to be armed and dangerous and report any sighting of him to the Aurors immediately." When asked about the reasons behind Weasley's apparent breakdown, our source stated only that "war does funny things to your head, particularly if you're not flexible to begin with."
The Prophet sincerely hopes that Weasley is swiftly found and brought to justice without any further difficulties. The war is, after all, over, and none of us among the sane and sensible Wizarding population have any desire to see any additional effects.
By Rita Skeeter
Marcellus Dolohov, Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts and acclaimed double agent during the war against You-Knew-Who, appears to have disappeared! No one has seen or heard from Dolohov since Valentine's day, which, if you'll forgive this humble reporter for injecting her opinion, is a very odd time to disappear, particularly for a man rumored to be recently engaged.
Dolohov's friends and relatives are silent on the subject, though the students in his classes at Hogwarts confirm that they've been under the supervision of the librarians for the past week. "I wish he'd come back," says Branwen Mostyn, a seventh year Gryffindor in Dolohov's NEWT class. "I have several formatting questions for my term project and obviously he should answer them since he'll be grading the papers."
The piece runs on the inner pages of the Prophet's front section, underneath a collection of opinion pieces on Victor Krum's return to Quidditch.